I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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