fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
