it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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