Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
