my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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