so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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