dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
