Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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