I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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