I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You don't make any sense
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