Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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