Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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