See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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