Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
