I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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