Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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