The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
