I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
