I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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