Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just google imaged poop.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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