Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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