Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
