I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
