Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
