I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
