Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
