I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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