Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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