Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
