Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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