mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
