omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
