He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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