The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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