i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
