Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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