woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
