I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
