Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
