dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
