I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
