i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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