I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
