and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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