i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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