why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
