So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
