Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
