so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
