the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
