he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I didn't notice because vodka
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
