cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hippo gnu deer
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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