Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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