So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
