i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
