I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
