I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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