I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
