I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
